Understanding Step One
This work is for those who have seen that our lives and relationships are in serious trouble.
We took control to protect ourselves, but results have frequently ended in chaos. And now we don’t want to give up
the control and release ourselves from the torment.
Admitting powerlessness runs contrary to the cultural messages that say, “Be strong! Be the master of your own
destiny!
The admission of powerlessness also conflicts with the addictive message, the addiction itself will tell us, “You have
a high tolerance! Use more of me! You can handle it!”
The paradox of Step 1 is that the admission of complete defeat permits a life-transforming victory through recovery.
The admission of powerlessness over an addiction actually becomes the foundation for strength to eventually
overcome the dependency.
Admitting powerlessness is absolutely essential to breaking the addiction cycle, which is made up of five
components:
1) Pain - (restless, irritableness, and discontentedness and or low self-esteem, etc.)
2) Reaching out to an addictive agent, such as work, food, sex, alcohol, or dependent relationships to save our
pain
3) Temporary relief from the pain
4) Negative consequences
5) Shame and guilt, which results in more pain and/or low self-esteem
For example, the workaholic who has low self-esteem (pain) begins to overwork (addictive agent), which results in
praise, success, and achievement (relief).
However, as a rule, family relationships and our other personal relationships suffer; even our relationship with God
can suffer, because of our preoccupation with work (negative consequences).
The result is an ever greater sense of shame and guilt because of inadequacies, both real and imagined, which
brings us back to point one in the addiction cycle. Now the workaholic feels compelled to work even
the addiction cycle. Now the workaholic feels compelled to work even harder to overcome his guilt.
Understanding the addiction cycle is important because it helps explain why the admission of powerlessness is the
first step to recovery.
Otherwise, we remain caught. If we rely on willpower alone, then the only thing we know to do is to escalate our
addiction to get out of the pain. Step one calls us to do less – to yield, to surrender, to let go.
Two factors that keep the addiction cycle spinning are 1) denial and 2) the fear of the pain from withdrawal.
First, in order to take Step one; we have to move beyond the fear of stepping off the addiction cycle. We may fear
withdrawal and the pain that goes with it.
Doctors historically thought that withdrawal from drug addiction was mainly biochemical and physical.
It is true when the heroin addict stops taking heroin, for example, the mind and body literally rebel as they struggle
to restore balance.
However, experts now believe that the emotional and spiritual components of withdrawal from any addiction are of
far greater significance than the physiological dimensions.
The workaholic, for example, goes through withdrawal when he tries to scale back work activities. The real fear in
this case is probably the emotional fear of losing control.
The paradox of Step One is the act of surrendering addictive control will bring us back into a state of healthy
control.
Second, we have to break out of denial about our addictions. Denial is a cloak of self-deception that blinds us and
shields us from an honest assessment of our own dependencies.
Some of the common denial messages with which we may delude ourselves are: “I can stop any time I want to.”
“Things aren’t that bad.” “I only practice my addiction because I want to.” “When things get better (or worse!), I’ll
stop my addiction.” We may even project blame onto someone else, saying, “You make me do what I do!”
All of these messages deny the force the addictions impose on our lives.
Breaking out of denial often requires a painful encounter with the consequences of our need to control. We call this
“hitting bottom.” “Hitting bottom” forces us to admit our powerlessness over our controlling life-styles. The three
major “bottoms” we may hit are:
1). A physical bottom
2). An emotional bottom
3). A spiritual bottom
Common specific examples of “bottoms” that precipitate recovery include:
1). A marital crisis
2). A physical health crisis (as in the case of the workaholic who suffers a heart attack)
3). Confrontation by family members or loved one
4). Vocational or life-purpose crisis (a pink slip that forces one to look at one’s addictions)
5). A financial crisis
6). A spiritual crisis, a feeling of alienation from God
The addiction cycle, as a rule, cannot be broken without yielding to a Power greater than ourselves.
We may have to surrender again and again, as we admit our powerlessness over, not only the primary addiction,
but over various other aspects of our lives.
We must recognize when we are powerless over people, places, and situations and learn to let those things go. For
example, when we are caught in freeway traffic, instead of allowing anxiety and anger to build, we need to admit that
we cannot alter our situation.
In even the most trivial issues we face, we must learn to become flexible. We may also find ourselves switching
addictions or transferring obsessions, and we will need to apply the first step to these new dependencies as well.
For many people, control or the lack of it, is central to every aspect of life.
As we admit our powerlessness, we embark upon the antidote for our control addiction, an addiction characterized
by extremes of both overcontrol and undercontrol.
For example, the workaholic may overcontrol efforts to achieve and accomplish. What tends to be undercontrolled is
the quality of spiritual life and the investment of time and emotional intimacy with family members.
We have become ready to admit that our religion is not enough to handle the compulsive fear and pain we can’t get
rid of.
When our actions (even many well-intentioned actions)continually lead to anger and resentment or rebellion from
those with whom we interact, we keep doing things we have firmly decided we don’t want to do, and when we fail to
do what we’ve decided is best for us, thought we had.
Seeing that we are not able to stay on a diet or a budget or give up compulsive eating, smoking, or sexual habits, for
example, is often the doorway to a new perspective on our powerless.
How can we arrive at an honest awareness that we are powerless over many areas of our lives when the thought
has never really occurred to us? How can we break out of this delusion about our power?
The Message We Receive About Control
As I grew up and observed older people, adults I saw that life was about being in control and not letting other people
control me.
We where taught to compete for the top position in sport selling. We competed for jobs
We look at all these people and things and assure ourselves that we are in fact in control, that we are happy, that
we have power, that we are complete.
Being successful and getting things we want leads us to the delusion that we can change people and personal
circumstances through our power and methods of control.
We don’t know this is a delusion until people important to us begin to rebel, and our control is seen to be limited or
illusory.
Our denial, which hides our controlling ways from us, leads us to blame others for our unhappiness and to criticize
them.
Clues That Reveal Our Attempts to Control
Irritation and Blaming.
Even when we feel in control at a conscious level we keep finding ourselves irritated that things don’t go exactly the
way we want. We tend to blame our failure to have things under control on other people or on circumstances.
Other Disturbing emotional Experiences.
We may begin to feel restless, irritable and discounted, angry, fearful, and ashamed. We may feel sad for no reason
at all.
We may feel afraid of sharing our thoughts and feelings with the people closest to us, because they might leave if
they knew how mad at them we are, or disgusted, or bored, or turned off, or afraid, or whatever it is that we.
We may then fall into self-pity because they don’t understand us (even though we won’t tell them what we’re feeling).
We may feel angry because they don’t guess who we are or what we want from them, because “if they really loved
us,” of course they would be able to guess.
We Will Lie To Appear to Be in Control
AC’s are people who can tell lies while tilling the truth. The fear of losing control makes us liars who do not know that
we lie.
I could not see that I was a liar because lying did not fit my conscious picture of myself as a good man, perfectly
moral and in control.
The people around us know that we lie even when we don’t this known as stepping on the toes of our fellows and
they retaliate and we don’t know why?
When we try to stay in control, anything that threatens to reveal our imperfection can trigger an automatic and
unconscious lie. Need an example: NEXT
What is Floridians for Recovery (FFR) about and Who are they ?
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Bill Weaver & Associates, P.A.
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The Ultimate Source For Transformation And Holistic Health For Mind, Body And Spirit
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