Codependency, what is It?
The meaning of the term “Codependency” is in much dispute. It is not a word you would find in many dictionaries,
nor is it a concept that is easy to define. The word has only been coined in recent history.
Originally, codependency was used to describe family members and spouses of substance dependent individuals. It
was used interchangeably with the term “enabling” and referred to the maladaptive behaviors that resulted from a
preoccupation with the addict’s life. The positive intent of enabling is to end the substance dependency by “helping”
in some way. The end result of enabling is that family and friends “help” makes it possible for dependency to
continue.
Today the term “codependency” is used more generally to apply to just about anyone who has a pattern of
dysfunctional relationships involving focusing on the needs and behaviors of others more than one’s own.
Codependent individuals become so preoccupied and focused on the needs of others that they neglect their own
needs. Two key areas in a person’s life reflect codependence: the relationship with the self and relationships with
others.
Codependency is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a
family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress.
These behaviors are passed on from generation to generation whether alcoholism is present or not. In other words,
the original alcoholic or drug dependent person may have been a great grandfather. No one else for three or four
generations may actually become alcoholic but most family members within these three or four generations have
learned to use a set of behaviors which help them deal with the emotional pain and stress even to the present time.
This set of behaviors eventually becomes Co-dependency or dependency disorders.
Some of these co-dependency or dependency disorders are perfectionism, workaholism, procrastination,
compulsive overeating, compulsive gambling, compulsive buying, compulsive lying, compulsive talking, dependent
relationships, over-possessiveness in relationships.
Other dependency disorders can be dependency on acquiring status, prestige, material possessions, power or
control to the extent that one’s behavior causes problems in social interactions with family members, co-workers,
friends, authority figures, etc.
In addition, persons suffering from alcohol or drug related codependency or one of the other dependency disorders
often experience themselves being caught up in a kind of treadmill existence so that whether or not goals are
achieved, there is still a drive compulsion for more; an anxious feeling or incompleteness or emptiness remains no
matter what is accomplished.
Low Self-esteem and External Referencing
Codependents can be addicted to relationships in the same way alcoholics use alcohol – to get a “fix” or “high.”
They feel they have no meaning or self-worth in and of themselves, and are worthwhile only in relation to someone
else.
Codependents may respond only to external cues, not to internal feelings or perceptions.
Clinging Relationships
Each person in a codependent relationship often cannot survive without the other.
Neither person functions independently. The codependent spouse (often involved with a substance abuser) finds
security in this type of relationship even though it is unhealthy.
Lack of Boundaries
Codependents may not recognize themselves as separate people with separate emotions and ideas. They are so
externally oriented that they “take on” other people’s emotions, such as anger, as their own and do not recognize
that this happening.
Codependents do not know where they “end” and others “begin.”
Impression Management
Codependents may believe they can control others’ impressions of them.
They constantly strive to present themselves as “good” people and always worry what others think of them.
Mistrust of Perceptions
Codependents dismiss their impressions of situations unless these impressions have been externally validated by
someone else.
Even
Is recovery possible?
Codependency does not just go away. It is a progressive disorder, but even in advanced stages it is treatable. To
get well, the codependent must begin addressing the disease directly. If we expect anybody else-even a good
therapist – to do our recovery for us, we will stay stuck, lost, and sick. Learning to take care of oneself and letting go
of the need to control people, places and events is difficult, but it will ultimately bring a freeing from self-defeating
patterns, shame and fear. The energy investment in manipulation through caretaking and/or controlling is
considerably more than letting go and simply being oneself frees energy for more productive uses.
We must learn how to intervene with the disease in our own lives: to treat ourselves with more respect, to develop
boundaries, to own our reality, to become responsible form our own wants and needs, and to begin to approach life
with moderation.
Recovery from codependency is deep work based on shifting our relationship with ourselves. Codependency is
about us, not about anyone else in our life. Recovery from codependency involves learning to take responsibility for
our own actions, feelings, behavior, issues and lives to ensure that our real needs are met. Recovery is about self-
acceptance and self-love. And, it involves setting appropriate boundaries with other people. This ensures that the
recovering person is considered first and taken care of in all situations. When self-love is more strongly felt than the
fears, then boundaries are easy to set. Util then, it is risk-taking and uncomfortable.
There are three primary approaches to codependency treatment: self-help, group therapy, and individual
psychotherapy. Numerous codependency self-help books are available at bookstores.
Health problems can also exist such as migraine headaches, gastro-intestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, high
blood pressure and many other high stress related physical illnesses. Emotional problems such as depression,
anxiety, insomnia and hyperactivity are evident in many co-dependents.
In treating those with substance abuse problems, traditionally the focus has been on the addict and not on the family
members surrounding her.
Therapist did not realize that the addict had a profound effect on family members and others who often developed
problems and unhealthy behavior patterns of their own as a reaction to the substance abuser. It was not until
alcoholism was recognized as a disease that treatment began to address the problems of the whole family and its
individual members, not just those of the substance abuser. The origins of codependency can be traced to
assessments of how non-alcoholic family members were affected by the alcoholism of a family member.
The term codependency later came to include exposure to life in any dysfunctional family, not just an alcoholic
family. A dysfunctional family is defined as a family that functions in abnormal and unhealthy ways. Dysfunctional
families include those which have other substance abuse problems such as cocaine addiction or unhealthy behavior
patterns such as incest or spouse abuse. In dysfunctional families it is natural for family members to care for
and be affected by the member who has a substance abuse or serious behavior problem. As this member’s
problems become more serious and unresolved, the family members become more affected and react intensely.
This is a reactionary process in which the family members/involved people see the addict or unhealthy member
destroying herself. As a result, they become compulsively “dependent” on similar destructive behavior patterns of
their own, such as work addiction, eating disorders, or unhealthy relationships with one person or many people.
Characteristics of Codependency
Groups who are at high risk for codependency are spouses of substance abusers, addicts, people who are
recovering from substance abuse themselves, adult children of alcoholics, work addicted people and their families,
and professionals who work with addicted persons.
As a result of being raised in a dysfunctional family or having constant exposure to one, individuals in these high-
risk groups exhibit many codependent characteristics.